Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in withoutxitxall's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, April 24th, 2005
10:37 pm	best friends means i'll pull the trigger Prom was last night, and i had the time of my life!!!! *Getting ready with the girls *dinner at whitneys where courtney sang her longs out and took some glam pics * driving around in whitneys escalade singer N'SYNC at the top of our longs (my voics is now gone) * Everyone looking fucking amazing!! Cassey, whitney, sara, ashley, sarah, courtney, alicia(and her mowhawk) were the fucking hottest girls there!! *Tyler and Cory being the hottest guys there..mmm..hottness x's 1000000000 *dancing at morp like no one else existed with the best people in the world *Making a new friend.........Alex!! * Tyler singing TBS, made me smile....lots. *Taking amazing pictures of all the people i love the most!! I have to say that that was the best time i've had in a long time........it was so much fun, i'm so glad i went there with the girls and not.........well, you know who........i woulda probally missed out on alot...but i didnt, and i'm glad. I love fun, dancing, being crazy, singing n'sync, making new friends, and i love all these things becuz i love my friends.........so so so so much! for realy! i love you guys! you make me complete!! Current Mood: happy,crazy,thankfull Current Music: my laughter (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 9th, 2005
5:56 pm	Best friends mean i'll pull the trigger i am very content with my life right now. Thanks to last night, i finally got stuff somewhat straightend out with the girls, which is good cuz i missed them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo incredibly much!! last night was so much fun! wow, i missed being silly with the girls, it was a blast.....*hug a stranger* i must say that the bands were amazing, i really really liked bozio(sp). There were same damn fine guys there so that made me happy.......but being with my best friends made me happier. I just want to say thank you to whitney,sarah,and ashley for not shunning me out and for giving me another chances, you guys are true friends. And i hope that you see that i have changed for the better. I love you girls so much, and i never want that sort of thing to happen again. And if it does you three can slap me across the face as hard as you want.....twice!! Anyway...its NIKKI COLES 18TH B-DAY TODAY!!! YIPPY!!!!!! Me and liz went to elderodo's and got her a vibrator and some cards, plus some other stuff.....Then we went to rocky's to get nicoles eyebrow peirced it looks really cute!!...plus the really hot guy that works there was there, and he said he liked my gun necklace *blushes* hehe it made me happy, we chit chatted a lil, and i found out his name is adam....hot hot adam! lol ehehhe....ok well, i gotta go cuz me, nicole and liz are heading for simones for our bondfire/camping b-day party...lol. WHITNEY,ASHLEY,SARAH....I LOVE YOU GIRLS SO MUCH, AND THANK YOU AGAIN. TOMARROW (SUNDAY) WE SHOULD GET SOME CHINESE FOOD AND TALK....SO I'LL GIVE YOU ALL A JINGLE TOMARROW!!! Current Mood: content Current Music: MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 6th, 2005
9:22 pm	i've lost all doubt in a chemical romance.. I'm so incredibly hurt right now. but maybe i'm just EXAGGERATING to some people. I cant stop crying because i'm getting that same feeling that i got when i lost chaz, the person i loved the most, now its happening again, because i'm losing the one person whome i've loved like a sister since 8th grade. And the thing is, i've lost her before. and losing her again........hurts a hundred million bajillioon times worse. i cant even describe the feeling i have inside. knowing ALL my friends hate me and are mad at me just because i have problems. I thought they's help me and support me, but they are all giving up on me just like everyone else has in my life. Its pretty much a slap in the face, he's right, she's right, they are all right, i'm a fucking crazy bitch who's unstable, unhinged, and nuts. I've heard this from 3 people who i though cared about me and would never hurt me........1)mike 2)chaze and 3) my mom..........those 3 people said i'm crazy, so whats a few more to say it, so go on "friends" say it....its probally what your thinking. It doesnt matter anymore because i believe it anyway..........I'M CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAWHOOOO!!! .......fuck it, fight it, its all the same..... ..........you've all heard the song scars by papa roach....well this is my favorite line..... ......."I tare my heart open, i sew myself shut, MY WEAKNESS IS THAT I CARE TO MUCH"..... and well, that is my weakness, i do care to much........and not matter how much i dont want to say this, and knowing that is gonna go againts everthing i have changed, i'm gonna say it, just cuz i care too much................................................................................................... i'm sorry. Current Mood: sad, lonley, unhinged Current Music: the used-buried myself alive (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
7:06 am	BFF HUH??????????????????? hmmm.........why arent you talking to me again? why do you give me the cold shoulder? i see it doesnt matter that much to you that we arent talking or haning out anymore, wow, real friends huh? best friends forever huh? so much for that. i dont even know what i did wrong to make you not talk to me or return my phone calls or have such an attitude, so i'm not gonna apologize for something i didnt even know i did. i though friends were suppose to talk about there problems, not just ignore them. i've tried, but i guess its not enough. And i cant believe your doing this to me especially when you know how i've been feeling and you know that i have problems. Thanks for letting me down, you the person i need the most and your not there. ........so please WHITNEY......WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO MAKE YOU HATE ME???????????????????????? Current Mood: pissed off, confused, down Current Music: atreyu-bleeding mascera (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 27th, 2005
8:58 am	I'M NOT O FUCKING K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN UP people cuz i'm only going to say this ONCE....ONCE! I am SICK and TIRED of feeling like nothing to you guys. I'm sick of feeling that all i do is piss EVERYONE off. I am fucking leaving for California in 4 months, with you guys as my friends or without you, thats all up to you cuz i'm starting to live my life for me. ME! I'm sick of going around trying to make everyone happy, changing myself just so you can be happy, when really its killing me because you make me feel like i'm not trying hard enough. well i'm sick of it and I'M NOT GONNA DO IT ANYMORE! i really dont care if you all hate me after this, i'd rather be a loner anyway just so i wont have to cry myself to sleep wondering "who did i piss of today?, why arent they talking to me?, what did i do this time?"....i'm done with that. I thought you guys, being my best friends, would understand that i'm going through a really difficult time right now and all i want is to be happy. FOR ONCE IN MY GODDAMN EXICSTENCE I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!! and if that means that its gonna make you guys pissed at my or somthing, than so be it, but i'm not trying to please or make you guys happy anymore, because that has seem to have gotten me so far..(all my friends, in cluding my best are pissed and not talking to me for some reason i dont even know of) i'm gonna do what ever it takes to be happy. You know what i did during spring break, i drove to texas with liz, and that was amazing. You probally all think "oh she went with liz, she's just gonna be drinking and doing drugs and having sex" "that liz is trouble"...well screw you all who think that because me and liz had an amazing time, lying by the pool or beach everyday reading books and talking, going surfing and shopping, and going to bed by 10:00. It was so relaxing and somthing we both needed. (yup you heard it, we didnt go party or get drunk and fuck some guy, we didnt even talk to any guys). Well, and now i'm back here in this shit hole, knowing that i have to go to school tomarrow and probally having all my friends STILL pissed off at me FOR SOMTHING THAT I HAVE KNOW IDEA ABOUT!! so whatever, it if you guys have a problem with me, tell me, but i'm not about to go apologizing for somthing i didnt do or for somthing i have no need to apologize for. You only have one life, so spend it making YOURSELF happy, not everyone else, cuz you are only living for you, no one else. I'm going to keep holding my head up high, and i'm gonna keep fighting my way to happiness cuz i know that is gotten me this far, so why not all the way. ( a very wise boy once told me). Current Mood: mellow Current Music: no music, just my own thoughts singing a song (Comment on this)
Friday, February 25th, 2005
10:40 am	...The scars remind me, that the past is real..... I hate fucking feeling like i'm pissing everyone off. I feel like i cant even talk to anyone anymore. And it seems like i just keep digging myself deeper in to the shit hole called my life. Why cant i just not fuck up for once? Why cant i just be happy?? I feel like i have to please EVERYONE except myself. I'm just a disappointment and i fuckin hate it. I seem to let down everyone...my friends, my team, my parents, MYSELF. I've begun to think that i will never be happy, seeing that i cant make anyone else happy, how am i suppose to make me happy? I just want to disappear. I wish i was dead to the world. dead. I wish i were. dead. none existant. I believe i am living on hell right now, and what ever comes after death, probally isnt gonna be much better, at least for me anyways. I'm fucked up. I wish everbody would just hate me so i wouldnt have to worry about pissing people off so much! UGH!!! I feel like i'm losing my bestfriend in the world. I've already lost one of them. wait make that two. The two guys i care about the most, i've lost. In the matter 6 months, i've lost the love of my life, my best guy friend, and now i feel like i'm losing my bestestfriend. Maybe i'm just ment to be alone. Have nobody to care about, and no one to care about me. Maybe it would be better that way. Nothing makes me happy anymore....i dont deserve to be happy, i've hurt to many people and made too many people unhappy. Now its my turn. .......I'M A FAKE! I'M A FAKE! I'M A FAKE!............. Current Mood: depressed,sad,angry,confused Current Music: the used-i'm a fake (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005
6:06 pm	it isnt that much fun, staring down a loaded gun... One touch of his hand and i get the electric shock of something. Something still there, that i though might have been lost long ago. One wink of his eye and i get the feeling that he feels it too. Am i dreaming. I wish i was, just so these feelings didnt have to be true. But i'm not going to deny myself anymore. I know what i'm suppose to do. Get the courage to say these 3 words..............I Love You. Current Music: the used-buried myself alive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 13th, 2005
10:38 am	MY WEAKNESS IS, THAT I CARE TO MUCH.... i just feel like free falling from a top of a building cuz it seems like everything is just crashing down around me. and i cant handle it anymore. I cant handle him anymore....i cant handle myself. Seriously, i dont want anyone to ever talk to me again. i just want to be alone. i want to become a hermit. i'm such a fuck up, i dont want anyone to love me cuz i dont love myself. seriously, i'm such a fuck up.....HUGE!....hate me. please. Current Mood: crappy Current Music: papa roach-scars (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
6:00 pm	MY WEAKNESS IS...THAT I CARE TO MUCH...... TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A SLENDID NIGHT! I JENNY VAN GRIM AM HAVING A AMAZING FEAST WITH TWO AMAZING WOMEN, WHITNEY VAN TAYLOR AND SARA VAN WALDER AT THE LOCAL HONG KONG BUFFET. THERE WE WILL EAT MANY A LOU MEIN NOODLES, HIBACHI CHICKEN, EVEN CHICKEN FRIE RICE! AFTERWORDS WE WILL ROAM THE VILLAGE AND TRY TO PICK UP SOME MIGHT HANDSOME WARRIORS. WE WILL THEN TAKE THEM BACK TO OUR CASTLE AND MAKE THEM OUR SLAVES. THEY WILL FEED US GRAPES AND RUB OUT FEET AND MAKE WILD LOVE TO US WHENEVER WE WANT. AFTER ALL THE FUN AT THE CASTLE WE SHALL VENTURE ON TO THE MOVIE RENTAL MARKET WHERE WE WILL PICK OUT MANY MOVIES. THEN WE SHALL GO ROAM THE VILLAGE...AGAIN...AND FIND SOME MORE HANDSOME WARRIORS. WE WILL THEN PRECEEDE BACK TO WHITNEY VAN TAYLORS CASTLE WHERE WE WILL BE FED POPCORN BY OUR WARRIORS AS WE WATCH SUCH MOVIES LIKE, CLOCKWORK ORANGE, THE NOTEBOOK, MAYBE EVEN THE GRUDGE. IT WILL BE A VERY ADVENTEROUSE AND WONDERFUL NIGHT!! CHERRY HO!! Current Mood: crazy Current Music: the used-buried myself alive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
9:17 pm	without it all i'm choking on nothing And sometimes it feels like the whole world is spinning out of control, and i'm left standing here, in the middle. Frozen. Watching it all crumble down around me. And i choke on all the sins and lies that leak out through cracks on the sidewalk. Everybody whos stepped on it has left an imprint, like scars on my heart, they will forever be there. And the only thing i want to do is shut my eyes. Never open them again. And be able to see the beauty without the pain. Just waiting for the day when i can breath again. breath. I HATE YOU.....*points to self*........I HATE YOU. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: papa roach-scars (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
3:18 pm	give me medication so i can die happy ..ugh..i hate being a women!!, not really, just the whole period thing. i've had the worst mood swings ever and its making me ill! just cuz i usually never get mood swings. oh well! 3 more days! lol ....hmmm,i'm excited for tomarrow!! Dinner with the girls..HONG KONG BUFFET WATCH OUT!..and then bowling after..ashley, if you read this and you dont work to late....COME! yeah, and then saturday will be fun too cuz i'm staying over night in madison with the gymmies, thats always a good time. I'm a little pissed at my boyfriend though cuz he's going down to chicago, and he's most likley gonna do acid or shrooms. i'm not to happy about it, but i dont want to be like his ex..all telling him what not to do and shit...so i'm just gonna keep my mouth shut, until it gets real bad or somthing. ...well i must be off....later days people!! whitney,sara,ashley.....I LOVE YOU! Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: papa roach-scars (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
9:26 pm	sometimes i just want to die I tare my heart open, and sew myself shut My weakeness is.. that i care to much. The scars remind us, that the past is real. I tare my heart open, just to feel. Drunk and I'm feeling down And I just wanna be alone I'm pissed cause you came around Why don't you just go home Cause you channel all your pain And I can't help you fix yourself You're making me insane All I can say is I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut My weakness is that I care too much And our scars remind us that the past is real I tear my heart open just to feel I tried to help you once Against my own advice I saw you going down But you never realized That you're drowning in the water So I offered you my hand Compassions in my nature Tonight is our last stand I'm drunk and I'm feeling down And I just wanna be alone You shouldn't ever came around Why don't you just go home? Cause you're drowning in the water And I tried to grab your hand And I left my heart open But you didn't understand But you didn't understand Go fix yourself I can't help you fix yourself But at least I can say I tried I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life I can't help you fix yourself But at least I can say I tried I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life I TARE MY HEART OPEN, I SEW MYSELF SHUT, MY WEAKNESS IS, THAT I CARE TO MUCH, THE SCARS REMIND US THAT THE PAST IS REAL, I TARE MY HEART OPEN, JUST TO FEEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: fustrated,annoyed,mad,sad Current Music: papa roach-scars (Comment on this)
Monday, January 24th, 2005
6:44 am	without it all i'm choking on nothing... ....i'm starting fresh today. its a new semester, therefore, i shall start my new life... ....i'm tired of the way i've been living. so i'm gonna change, and i'm gonna make my life work no matter who tries to bring me down, i wont let them. i'm done being unhappy, i'm done letting people make me unhappy.........so fuck them, i'm happy. Current Mood: content Current Music: atreyu- bleeding mascara (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
2:39 pm	....things just seem to get worse as the year goes on, and i'm getting so fucking sick of it.......... .........*ouch*, it hurts to type......anyway......i just want to get through the next 5 month without killing myself......cuz latley, people just make me feel like i'm nothing and that i'd be better off dead. Seriously, if people only knew some of the shit i've been through, and then to have some of it happen all over again......i seriously feel like i have no heart, no soul, no self worth.....nothin. i'm a broken toy that know one is ever going to want to play with. I just feel like my walls are closing in on me and theres nothin i can do........i just wanna lock myself in a room and stay there forever. Maybe all you fuckers are right, maybe i am crazy. But what is crazy anyway? does it make you crazy for worring about someone you love so much that you would drive all the way out to bummble fuck on a really shitty night to make sure they made it home ok? does it make you crazy for giving up your best friend in the entire world just to make the person you love happy? (never again whit)...i know one thing that can make a person crazy....still being in love with that someone, even after all the shit they said all the shit they put you through, after all the harshwords and broken promises, after all the lies and rumors... ...i realize, THE ONLY THING I'M CRAZY FOR IS STILL BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU....... ...no matter how much i try to deny it, i cant......i'm not gonna be like you and hide my true feelings cuz i cant lie to my heart like that.....it makes me sick knowing that i'm still in love with you.... i dont want to be....i try everything not to be.......but you keep coming back to me, and i hate you for that. i hate myself...........for everything. (whitney...seriously, i dont know how much further i can go. i'm so sick of it all. honestly, you and the used are the only things that keep me going, the only things i wanna live for. if i didnt have you or them......i'd be dead, seriously. i would have gone and killed myself if it wasnt for you. i thank you for that, but i'm not completly done yet, so please stick by me, i love you and all my friend so much,i really need you guys right now. with out you all, i'm nothing.) please help. Current Mood: sad,mad, depressed,angry Current Music: the used- on my own (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 16th, 2005
5:54 pm	Its so hard, to see when your eyes are rolling, in the back of your head... *Shockwave through the brain A sliver to my heart. I'm standing on ice. I've got a brick to the face. Stabbing words pierce my ears. And my eyes roll to the back of my mind, where i lose myself in a chaotic scene. I feel my body shake out of control. My fingers break, trying to point out the light, But it slowly fades, and i am taken away to a place unknown. I'm stuck in the mud. What a sticky situation this has become. And i try to fight free, but the only thing breaking is me. I look up at the sky, but its falling on me now. It hits my flesh and burns objects of affection into my skin. I try to break free. Looking at my reflection. I hate what i see. I shatter all my dreams with one punch to the mirror. And i'm lonley now, with only bloody knuckles staring back at me. I see you there, standing in the shadows. Watching me. Waiting for me to slip. Slip right through you fingers. But i've already done that. And you eveil eyes glow stronger. And i run. I try screaming through a wired jaw. Trying to let you know, i'm not done yet. Choking on my spit. I swallo my tonque. And i scratch at my face to show you who i really am. Bloody tears fall from my eyes. You catch them on your tonque. Like snowflakes. And you taste the bitter sweet taste of all my lies and sins. Its your turn now, to feel my pain. I'm under YOUR skin now. And you cant throw me up. Deeper and deeper inside i'll go. How far are you willing to go? Are you willing to go over the edge? To rid yourself of me. Do you really think you'll do it? You wont. So i'll push you. Your falling now. Down. Down. Down. Down. And your body hits the sharpend edges of broken hearts. I explode out of you. My blood. Your blood. Everywhere. And they mix together and create a black abyss. And you'll never be thought of again. Not by me. Not by anyone. This is our black abyss. WELCOME. .....orginal poetry by yours truely..... Current Mood: confused,sad,angry Current Music: the used-buried myself alive (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
10:47 pm	i'm not listening anyway ....hmm....i wish for once something would go my way with no strings attached. but of course, it never does. I guess i just that people are letting me down alot latley...and i'm getting really sick of it, and hurt. I dont know if its the fact that people know i wont stay mad for long or that i'm not gonna care or be hurt by it, but i am, and i feel like people are taking advantage of me and my easy heart. i want it to stop, cuz its really starting to get to me. The thing is, they probally dont even realize there doing it, cuz if they did, they would apoligize, for somthing, and not let me feel like its my fault...i dunno, whatever.....i'm sooooooooo sick of EVERYTHING! Current Mood: angry,fustrated, used Current Music: atreyu-bleeding mascara (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 9th, 2005
9:12 pm	..And will you tell all your friends, you've got your gun to my head?? ..........its been a while since i've been on here.........life has been pretty craze....i wont waste your time........but..i've come to the conclusion, that life is just one big shit hole that you will never EVER get out of...........the end. Current Mood: sad,mad,confused Current Music: taking back sunday (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
11:12 pm	Scream my longs out to try to get to you ....sad how time passes so fast. You know something funny, i just realized like 5 minutes ago that today would have been one year for me and chaz. I was kinda down all day...but now i'm really down. I miss him alot..but i have so many people that care about me right now, that somtimes i dont miss him. i dunno anymore....everything is just so fucked up. I dont understand why all this shit happens. whatever. Whitney...today was fun, i'm glad we hung out.....last night was hilarious though! can we say PSYCHO STALKER BITCH??? lol...and doodling on matt, muahahaha.....we're evil. I love us. ................. TWO MORE FUCKING DAYS TILL THE USED.....WOW, i am so excited!! i think i'm gonna pee my pants..(sexy right?) lol... Current Mood: confused,sad,thinking Current Music: yellow card- only one (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
3:30 pm	i've lost myself .....all i can say is sorry. I didnt mean to ruin any of your night, and i'm sorry i fucked up. I feel like such a horrible person for treating you guys the way i did last night, and i'm very sorry, i understand if your mad. i want you to be. You guys are to good to me, and i just treat you like shit. i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
9:21 pm	so predictable ....today was a good day. But sometimes i hate people....expecially when someone says some shit right to your face that you dont really wanna hear *cough*matt*couch*aboutchaz*cough*andaslut*cough*....i was pissed for a while, but then i got over it cuz i though about all the people who make me happy :) I have bloode today...that made me feel good about myself again...cuz i was doing somthing for a good cause. hehe. The end of the day was the best though cuz casey (whom i dont have a crush on so dont even think about going "ohhhh" in a cute little voice that you make when you know someone has a crush on someone and they think its cute, but i i dont have to worry cuz i dont have a crush on him at all)..... ...(well maybe a lil)...but shhh dont tell. ANYWAY...yeah, at the end of the day casey kissed my arm where i got bloode taken to make it feel better, it was really sweet. hehe (giggles)...I ALMOST feel bad for having a crush cuz its only been close to 2 months since me and chaz broke up, and yeah, i still love him to death and wish i could be with him....but he's being a jackass and doesnt realize what he had....and now some other guys is, and i'm not gonna wait around for chaz to show any interest when other people are.....i mean, fuck it, he already had girls lined up for him after a week. So you know what??!! i'm gonna have as many crushes as i want....and if i feel like kissing a guy, i'm gonna do it cuz i'm....SINGLE! haha. k i'm done with that. ...Yippy! tomarrows my birthday!! i'm excited, but i'm more excited for whitneys party and my party!! its gonna be a blast!!! hehe anyway......i'm done talking, i'm tired and i'm gonna go to sleep!! *hugs* Current Mood: tired Current Music: when in rome- the promise (Comment on this)